


Pyre; Sweat; Dark; Fire; Dawn.

by phandomoftheowl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Unrequited Love, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-25
Updated: 2012-04-25
Packaged: 2017-11-04 07:50:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/391480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phandomoftheowl/pseuds/phandomoftheowl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for KMM prompt:  "There's so many things I want to say to you, but time's caught me up and now I'll never say them. Except that I loved you from the moment I saw you and every moment since." One of them confesses his love for the other only in the moment just before he goes to sacrifice himself so that his beloved may live. Up to potential author if he really dies, or if he survives. <br/>(The quote is shamlessly stolen from "Robin of Sherwood", Itv's 1980s Robin Hood, in a moment of PMS-related emotion).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pyre; Sweat; Dark; Fire; Dawn.

I.

 

The first time Arthur wants to tell Merlin he loves him is months after Arthur actually fell in love.

 

Arthur first sees Merlin before Merlin even knows him as the bully from the courtyard. He's on his way to Gaius' chambers for the pain-killing remedy Gaius made for him after last week's tournament. He's just about to round the corner when he sees a tall, slouched over, tired looking boy about his age walk up to the guards and ask where he might find the court physician. To this day, Arthur is supremely glad no one was there to witness how he immediately hid behind a pillar to stare at the strange looking boy.

 

He wants to go after the boy, make conversation and say ' _Here, I'll take you to the physician's quarters_.' But something stops him. A gut clenching feeling that whispers _no_.

 

It's not really surprising, but still a shock when he sees the same boy stand up to him. Him! The Prince of the realm. It flusters Arthur in ways that not even Morgana ever managed and he does the stupidest thing imaginable. He throws the boy in the dungeons. When he sees him – Merlin, Gaius said his name was – Arthur reverts back to a twelve years old child and fights him in the town. Like they're just two boys grappling. Like he isn't the prince and Merlin a lowly nobody.

 

That afternoon Morgana teases him about the peasant boy who almost defeated Arthur is a street fight. Arthur just scowls and threatens her with escorting her to the feast that night. It shuts her up properly and she leaves his chambers with her maid scurrying behind her.

 

Arthur is equal parts horrified and gratified Merlin saved him from the singing witch, but he doesn't let either show; only his disgust. He has created a pattern for their interactions now and to change that into something more civil would be unspoken defeat in this peculiar tug-of-war they're stuck in. (In later years Arthur will wish he had the courage then to extend a hand of civility and maybe even friendship to Merlin in those early days. Maybe then he could have had the courage to tell Merlin...)

 

Merlin seems baffled but unsurprised by how Arthur treats him. He isn't the best manservant ever, but he isn't entirely terrible either. Arthur's had terrible servants, most of whom tried to kill him. As long as Merlin doesn't kill Arthur, he figures Merlin's all right. It doesn't stop him from yelling at Merlin though, because that's what princes are supposed to do, isn't it? And Merlin already thinks of him as a spoilt, arrogant prat-prince, so Arthur sees no point in altering himself to show Merlin that look, he can be kind and fair and understanding as well.

 

Where Arthur is feared and largely disliked by the people in the castle, Merlin is the darling new country boy with large ears, a silver tongue, and more courage than wits. The pages and stable-hands love him, the steward and cook let him get away with things that would be unforgivable if done by anyone else. And the maids... oh the maids all over the castle flock to him like moths to a flame. And they all say the same thing when asked about that cheerful boys: There's something about Merlin.

 

Love, one of his old nurses told him a long time ago, is something one falls into swiftly and quietly and with a whimper. Love isn't grand gestures or knights slaying dragons. Love is soft and undemanding. Love is strangely powerful in a queer unassuming way. Love is... friendship. _If you aren't friends with the person you love, my lord, then it isn't much of a love to begin with._

 

Arthur has never had friends before Merlin. He has his knights and he has Morgana, but none of them are his friends. Arthur thinks he and Merlin are friends, until he meets Will. Until he sees the way Merlin bounds up to him and hugs him fiercely in a way Arthur never has been. The day Will dies Arthur realizes two things: The first, that Arthur will never be as important to Merlin as Merlin is to him, and secondly, Merlin is the love of Arthur's life.

 

He doesn't bother telling Merlin about this when they head back to Camelot.

 

II.

 

The second time Arthur wants to tell Merlin he loves him, they're almost about to die. Again.

 

He doesn't bother telling anyone, and when, a few months later, Gwen shows him a sliver of the attention Arthur wants from Merlin he doesn't stop himself. It's wrong and selfish and utterly unfair to Gwen, but Arthur is past caring.

 

Merlin is nothing but encouraging about the burgeoning romance between Gwen and Arthur's and that irritates Arthur more than Guinevere's indecision between himself and Lancelot.

 

And then comes the cold, slithering suspicion that the reason Merlin doesn't care about perfectly wrong Arthur and Gwen are for each other is because he's in love as well. With Morgana, no less. The realization is followed by hours spent in the Rising Sun with the knights and days of teasing Merlin away from forming any sort of romantic attachment to Morgana.

 

In an effort to keep Merlin away from her, Arthur stops being around her. Merlin has to follow wherever Arthur goes, and if where Arthur goes is as far away from Morgana as possible then Merlin and Morgana won't...

 

It's a doomed plan from the beginning. It doesn't really matter how occupied Arthur keeps Merlin throughout the day when at the end of it he has to go up to Morgana's tower to deliver her medicine every night. He still tries to warn Merlin away under threat of Uther, but the stupid fool just denies everything.

 

He ought not to have worried though. Whatever romantic inclinations they may have had are all but gone by the time the castle is cursed with an enchantment that puts everyone to sleep. Everyone except Morgana, that is, which is peculiar and worrying. Merlin and Morgana are polite enough to each other, but there is something different. They no longer have that undercurrent of mutual affection lingering on them when they speak with each other.

 

Something has shifted in their dynamic and Arthur doesn't particularly care what so long as he doesn't have to worry about the two of them eloping together.

 

Arthur wipes at his brow. Staying awake is harder to do the longer he stays in the castle.

 

The knights of Medhir are almost at the council chamber doors. Arthur knows he is about to die. Across from him, Merlin looks tired and half-dead already and as he watches that pale face, Arthur can feels his eyes fall shut.

 

It's a good death, he thinks, if the last thing he sees is Merlin's stupid face.

 

But that's not allowed apparently, because Merlin slaps his soundly under his ear. Arthur glares, too fatigued to say anything particularly insulting. He just points his finger and mumbles something about not doing it again.

 

The undead knights are here.

 

He's about to say it then. He's about to tell Merlin that it's always been him, not Gwen. What he says instead is “If I ever need a servant in the next life –”

 

And Merlin grins, wide and happy. “Don't ask me.”

 

III.

 

The third times Arthur wants to tell Merlin he loves him, they're in a cave.

 

When they first meet Gwaine, Arthur admires his courage and strength. It's not common among the regular tavern going lot of drunkards. As they continue their acquaintance, Arthur grows weary of Gwaine. More so, he grows weary of the immediate friendly rapport Merlin forms with him. It's like Lancelot all over again, without the desire to join Arthur's knights.

 

Arthur just throws his arms up in defeat and bears it. It doesn't change the fact that when it's time for Gwaine to leave, he sighs relieved sigh.

 

But whatever hope he has of never seeing Gwaine again are dashed when he notices that the person Merlin's brought with him on this quest that was mean to be Arthur's and Arthur's alone, is none other than Gwaine.

 

“Why did you bring him with you?” Arthur glares over the blazing fire at Merlin, the trident tucked safely by his side.

 

“I needed the help.” He shrugs as if there wasn't any question about it.

 

“You knew him for three days months ago.”

 

“He's a good man, Arthur,” Merlin responds tiredly. “You should rest. I'll take first watch.”

 

Arthur debates protesting, but Merlin usually emerges victorious in these arguments so he doesn't bother.

 

Gwaine is now a recurring theme is Arthur's life, apparently. He's there again a few months later in Jarl's dungeons, reeking of sweat and dirt and piss but grin wide as ever.

 

Arthur lets him come along with them to the Druids caves only because Merlin will continue being in one of his <i> _moods_ </i> if they leave Gwaine behind. Something Arthur has neither the time nor patience for.

 

They're hiding out in caves like refugees.

 

Morgana is his sister. Morgana wants to kill him. Morgana has magic. Morgana... Morgana... Morgana...

 

His mind won't stop going around in circles. What did he do to deserve her hatred? What can he say to make her stop? How can he protect his kingdom when he's stuck in a stupid cave and Merlin is feeding him rat?

 

The last one is a new thought and it startles him into accepting the bowl Merlin left for him.

 

The words are at the tip of his tongue just then. It's just them in this corner of the cave. No one else is brave – or foolish – enough to come near an upset Arthur. Merlin fidgets some more with twigs and flint, and Arthur has a strong feeling he's waiting for Arthur to say something.

 

Arthur eats the disgusting rat meat and Merlin hums under his breath.

 

In the end, neither of them speak another word.

 

They're all sitting around the round table and Arthur's chest feels full to bursting with Lancelot's solemn vow. It's Gwaine's turn eventually and when he promises Arthur his sword, there is a cocksure tilt to his lips. Like he's certain they're going to win this against all odds. And then his gaze slides over Arthur entirely and fixes on Merlin. In that instance, Arthur knows it isn't him Gwaine has promised his fealty to.

 

Arthur doesn't mind. How can he when his heart unknowingly promised its fealty to Merlin long ago?

 

 

IV.

 

The fourth time Arthur wants to tell Merlin he loves him, they're sitting over a fire and Arthur's wearing clothes three sizes too small for him

 

Something his nurse failed to warn Arthur about was how you fell in love with the little things.

 

While it is true Arthur falls in love with Merlin, the boy from Ealdor, he also falls in love with the man he becomes in Camelot. He falls in love with Merlin's unique insults and Merlin's silence. He falls in love with Merlin's lips and his defiant words. He adores Merlin's hands, pale and wiry but strong and capable of unimaginable feats. Arthur falls in love with those ears and that vulnerable neck he almost never gets to see. Arthur loves how Merlin gets so lost in even the most mundane of Gaius' books that he doesn't notice Arthur standing by the door, watching him. He falls in love with how his mouth falls open when he's asleep and he falls in love with his long, dark eyelashes resting against his pale cheeks. Arthur falls in love with Merlin's scars when he sees them the one time Merlin takes a dip in the stream with the other knights.

 

Arthur falls in love with his magic and the lies he tells to keep it from Arthur.

 

There are times when he imagines going up to Merlin and telling him he knows. Then he imagines the shock and fear that is likely to cross Merlin's face and he stops. He doesn't want Merlin to fear him, just trust him as Arthur has all these years.

 

After every battle, every time Arthur calls him a lazy idiot, all he wants to do is pull Merlin close and confess everything in his ear.

 

He's never wanted to do so more than he does now with Tristan and Isolde on the other side of camp, and Camelot fallen once more. He just wants those long limbs wrapped around him, keeping him safe in that secret way Merlin has.

 

“Why do they hate me?” slips out before he's even aware of what he is saying.

 

Merlin looks at him then, eyes filled with sorrow and something very close to pity – maybe it's sympathy. “They don't hate you,” he says, sounding too uncertain to convince Arthur of it.

 

Merlin gets up to fetch more firewood and tend to Isolde.

 

Arthur mouths the perpetually unsaid words to the fire.

 

 

V.

 

The fifth time Arthur wants to tell Merlin he loves him, he does.

 

It isn't that Arthur's afraid Merlin will treat his heart callously should he entrust it to him. Arthur has trusted Merlin with many things over the years: his life, his kingdom, his friendship. Merlin is a good, kind man, and despite the years of lying about his magic, Arthur still trusts him. It isn't a matter of trust at all.

 

It's a matter of courage.

 

For a noble High King of all Albion, Arthur is as cowardly as they come in regards to matters of the heart.

 

Ironic really, that he should find the courage now when he's bleeding out from his chest, Mordred's blood already drying on his own blade.

 

The heavens are a dark red from the dawn of the sun, reflecting the blood spilled on soil beneath it. Merlin is crouched over him, useless magical words spilling from his lips.

 

He pushes against Merlin's insistent fingers and clings on because this is the last time he'll ever feel the warmth of these hands that tended to him for so many years. There is no curing this wound. He knows it, he knows Merlin knows it too.

 

“Stop,” He croaks out. “I need – I must –”

 

“Shut up,” Merlin orders because it'll be a cold day in hell before Merlin lets him have the last word. “Just let me heal you, you prat.”

 

“No, Merlin. Listen. Listen!” Merlin stops tearing at Arthur's chain mail. “There's s – so many things I want to say to you, but time's caught me up and now I'll never say them.” He takes the time to appreciate Merlin's wide blue eyes one last time. “Except that I loved you from the moment I saw you and every moment since. I love – I love – I love you.”

 

“Arthur,” Merlin gasps and Arthur is too selfish to care that it isn't fair to say this to Merlin now, seconds away from death's door.

 

“It's all right,” he says, because he can see the answer in Merlin's eyes now. It makes him glad he never said a word before today. “I always knew.”

 

“You are my _king_ ,” Merlin whispers angrily, and Arthur isn't sure who he is angry at, but it matters little now. “Now and forever.”

 

“Always so loyal, my love.” Arthur wipes at Merlin's cheek and leaves a smear of blood in his wake. “Always.”

 

It's the last word he ever says.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> KMM link: http://kinkme-merlin.livejournal.com/31491.html?thread=31261187#t31261187


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